Fairy tales for New (Labour) Britain

[rich_jacko]

A couple of things are worrying me at the moment. The first is the increasing number of cases of bird flu in a country I'm about to go on holiday to. The second, rather less seriously, is the sudden and unexpected loss of the Pearl & Dean "BA BA BA-BA BA-BA BA-BA!" tags from Cineworld.

So, here's something I got in a silly e-mail today to cheer things up:

The Ant & the Grasshopper

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

THE MODERN BRITISH VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving.

The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home in Hampstead with a table laden with food.

The British are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty. The Liberal Party, the Respect Party, the Transvestites With Starving Babies Party and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant's house. The BBC, interrupting an Rastafarian cultural festival special from Grimsby with breaking news, broadcasts them singing "We Shall Overcome."

Ken Livingstone laments in an interview with Panorama that the ant has got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

In response, the Labour Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant's taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by Camden Council.

The ant moves to France, and starts a successful agribiz company (funded by the EU).

The BBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant's food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he isn't bothered to maintain it.

Inadequate government funding is blamed. Diane Abbot is appointed to head a commission of enquiry that will cost £10,000,000.

The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose. The Guardian blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity.

The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Britain's multicultural diversity, who promptly set up a marijuana growing operation and terrorise the community.

THE END

Comments

[boyraceruk.livejournal.com]

Did you cut that out of the Daily Mail Rich?

:)

[bonedancer.livejournal.com]

This is what Richard Littlejohn's children get read at bedtime.

[confuseddave.livejournal.com]

Carlton just doesn't have the same... pizazz, does it?

And it will always now remind me of that really godawful anti-piracy ad they had a while back...

[morecake.livejournal.com]

One of those zombie right-wing brain suckers landed on you, didn't it? Although it's pleasing to note it didn't remove your writing ability :-)

Can I suggest *not going to Turkey*? Just a thought.

[rich-jacko.livejournal.com]

Which would work if I hadn't already paid 750 quid to do so!

Besides, the nice man on the 10 o'clock News said no one should change their holiday plans...

P.S. - I didn't write it. I just laughed at it (and tidied up the spelling and grammar a bit).

[morecake.livejournal.com]

I see that you didn't write it now. D'oh for not reading properly. It is good :-)

Maybe you should wear something like this on your holiday?

[longhairedhippy.livejournal.com]

I couldn't help but notice that the image was filed under "badger historic costumes"... as opposed to "historic badger costumes" presumably?

I have a mental image of Henry VIII as an enormous fat badger. Though this might be because my mind is strange.

[morecake.livejournal.com]

It's because the badgers love you, and fill your mind everyday with their crazy badger broadcasts.

[otter-girl.livejournal.com]

It's true. Hair are your aerials and Ed, being a big hairy hippy, is particularly vulnerable to crazy badger broadcasts. I recommend lining your hat with tin foil immediately!

[soul-rider.livejournal.com]

All the cases of bird flu so far are in places we aren't going anywhere near, and all the people infected had been in close contact with sick, dead poultry (apparently the children were playing with the heads of dead chickens that were infected). So, as long as we stay away from infected areas and don't play with dead poultry (a good general rule for life, I feel, as stuffing and cooking dead poultry doesn't count as playing! ;-P ) we should be fine :-)